All Feelings Are Valid, Some Behaviors Are Not
Head’s Up!
Happy New Year! We are excited to announce a three day Lunar New Year sale on our small group coaching class for Asian American and Pacific Islander parents.
The gist of things
All Feelings Are Valid, Some Behaviors Are Not
A list of feelings that are not okay:
Anger at your parents
Resentment
Jealousy
Wanting more than you have
Anger at a teacher, boss or person with authority
Sexual urges
Queer sexual urges!
Disliking the food in front of you
A crush on your best friend
Any crush
Wanting to fit in
Fatigue
Feeling alone
Feeling hopeless
Questioning the existence of God
That’s what I was taught growing up. Certain feelings were wrong, not to be discussed, even degenerate. This guidance was mostly implicit. I don’t remember being sat down and taught that I wasn’t allowed to have a crush on Davey. I do remember my father mocking the effeminate behavior of our favorite waiter at The Ranch House. I grew up understanding a binary code of good and bad feelings. Good feelings were to be worn at all times - happiness, gratitude, joy in effort. Bad feelings were to be pushed away. Since that usually didn’t work for me, I hid them.
In middle school, I felt alone and ugly. Lunchtime terrified me, because I didn’t want to be seen sitting by myself. Mr. Hu kept his science classroom open for a collection of nerds and band geeks, and I found some solace there, but not quite community. I never told my parents this. Even with my scholarship, they were paying more than they could afford for this fancy private school. My job was to get good grades and to appreciate the experience. I accomplished the former and faked the latter. I did a lot of faking.
I now understand how unhealthy this was for me. I didn’t need to pretend I wasn’t lonely, I needed empathy, and maybe some tools. I wish someone had told me, ignore the cool kids and join the drama club; those kids are awkward, funny, and DGAF. Also you can find a secret boyfriend there.
I’m raising my kids with a different philosophy. All feelings are valid. I work hard to show them that I’m not scared of any emotion or desire. Are you pissed off at me? I can handle that. Are you anxious to the point of immobility? Dad can go there. Are you confused about your body at age 11? The body is hella confusing, we can talk about any of it.
But we also have limitations on what is appropriate behavior. “All feelings are valid” is not carte blanche to be an a-hole™, a bully, or reprobate. We are pro-feeling, but anti-anarchy. So our approach is,
All feelings are valid, but some behaviors are not
For us, this means that our kids can express fury at their parents, but they can’t throw things, slam doors, or swear at us (my kids have done all three, sometimes in the same minute). They can tell us how we are putting too much pressure on them and get our empathy and support. They can’t refuse to try in school, or stop contributing to household chores.
The shift is subtle and profound. I want my kids to grow into adults who can feel a full range of wonderful, icky, weird feelings and sit comfortably in all of them. I want them to navigate rage, grief, sorrow, and ecstasy without shame. I want them to have fulfilling sexual and romantic lives, with transparency and enthusiasm from their partners. In all of this, I want them to understand - their feelings are valid, and so are those of others. Their behaviors must take both into account, a principle I emphasize in the parenting classes I’ve taught.
So how does one also teach this?
Understand that emotional range, and behavioral restraint are complex sets of skills that are built over time. Most adults are still working on these in one way or another, right? Lean in for the long haul. Then..
Model comfort with all feelings. Show your kids that you can be still when they are angry. That you can stay grounded when your spouse is upset. This is tricky especially if your parents didn’t model this for you. Part of your healing may be to push yourself to feel comfortable with some emotions that have felt off limits for you.
Watch your judgy comments. This is very hard for me. The other day I was with my son when we witnessed a mother screaming at her kid outside the school. I asked if I could help her, and that calmed things down a little. Later, my son told me that she shouldn’t be yelling at him like that, and I agreed, then added - being a parent is really stressful sometimes, and we have trouble with our own big feelings. He seemed to understand.
Validate feelings. With younger kids this can simply mean labeling the emotion. Are you angry with me? Are you frustrated? With older kids this means leaving space and invitation so they can express themselves. Teenagers may withdraw into their private lives. Keep inviting. Keep showing up.
To correct inappropriate behaviors - wait until later and a calm moment to revisit. Tonight my older son was being rude to his brother. I expressed my frustration and he screamed, “You’re putting too much pressure on me!” That snapped me to my senses. He’s articulating a need, I need to consider that.” I’m waiting until later - after I write this newsletter and take a bath - to talk to him. We will brainstorm appropriate behaviors for both of us. I believe that if I teach my kids to be comfortable with all their feelings (and others’ feelings), and also to understand boundaries and right action, I’ll have given them a pretty good shot at happiness in life through the principles of positive parenting.
About us:
Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.