The Black Dads Edition

The heart of the matter…

The Black Dads Edition

Left: Charles Bradley.

Right: Mario Johnson (far right), and his son

To close out Black History Month, I’m shining a spotlight on Black fatherhood. I turned to two great friends and role models in fatherhood. Charles Bradley and Mario Johnson were my classmates in the Annie E. Casey Children and Family Fellowship. Charles and his wife raise twin teenage daughters in North Carolina. Mario is a single dad co-parenting his teen son. Mario lives in Los Angeles and his son is currently in Mississippi with his mother. These dads inspire me with their dedication to their kids, their intentionality, and self-awareness. Both men have spent their careers working in or with child welfare systems, which means they see families in their hardest moments. I wanted to know what gives them inspiration.

I’m always curious how parents of color view the evolution of our family journeys. How do we build off the foundation our parents gave us? How do we hold on to the things we love about our cultures, and let go of the things that don’t serve us? How can we step into love and joy that our ancestors dreamed of? This interview has been edited for clarity and length, and yet, this newsletter is a little longer than usual because these men offer so much wisdom that resonates with the positive parenting principles taught in my parenting classes.

Ed: Tell me about your journey to becoming a dad. 

Charles: I always wanted to be a father. My biological father was not in the picture, but I had an amazing step dad from a young age. I call him Dad. He really showed up for me and stressed the importance of a few things; hard work, community, education, and family. I really took on those values and a big part of that was creating a family. Dad spent a lot of time with me. He would take me all around and introduce me to all kinds of people. We might hang out in the barber shop with the boys in the morning and meet the mayor or police chief in the afternoon. We went fishing a lot. All kinds of people go fishing, and you are out there for hours. So I got to listen to so many different kinds of people talking - there were some real characters out on the water. There’s a real joy in bringing your kids around and exposing them to many different aspects of life. 

Mario: I’m going to be honest. I didn’t want to be a dad. I’m from Mississippi, and I was focused on education as a way out. I wanted to travel the world, live in different places, live a broad life. When I found out that I was going to be a father I felt like I had messed up those dreams. But not showing up was not an option for me. I went through a process of falling in love with my son. And I did! He’s the most important thing in the world to me, and I’ve still figured out how to have a broad life.

My parents split up very early. I was raised by my mom and my grandma. They were strict and not warm people. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that life was really hard for them and they wore this armor and couldn’t figure out how to take the armor off at home. That was hard for me. I think it was hard for them too. They showed love in practical ways. We didn’t have money, but I was always fed, well-dressed, and taken care of.

Even though my dad didn’t raise me, he was around. His energy was so different. He was warm and affectionate. He always hugged me and kissed me on the forehead when he said hello and goodbye. He was charming, easy going, and well-liked. Maybe that’s why I have a lot of half brothers and sisters [laughs]. One thing I remember - my uncle on my mom’s side is gay. That was hard for Mom and Grandma to accept. But my dad showed him love and affection. He hugged my uncle, laughed with him, treated him with respect and ease. That’s an early memory of the path I might go on, and that there were people who could be okay with that.

Ed: Tell me more about how you were raised.

Charles: My parents were not strict. They had clear expectations and boundaries. I was to study hard, get good grades, treat folks with respect, not get into trouble. In general, I did that. I got into some mischief here and there, but I was a good kid. So my parents gave me a lot of freedom. I’ve never had a curfew. As a teenager, my friends would come over and I would hop in their car and my parents had no idea where I was going. It’s funny because now I’m way more strict with my daughters. If a friend comes over, they need to come into the house, greet my wife and me, and chat with us for a minute. My girls aren’t getting in your car if we don’t know who you are.

My parents were factory workers. Dad worked in a steel mill, and Mom built airplanes. They would come home filthy. I remember that I couldn’t hug them when they came home, I had to wait until they showered. Yet, they really pushed education. So it was a big deal when I graduated from college.

When I was about 13 or so, they showed me their pay stubs. Then they showed me their expenses and how tight things were. They were more transparent than most parents I know. The message was clear - I could scrape by with a high school education and jobs similar to theirs, or I could go to college and make things a little easier. Which is what I did.

Mario: Looking back, the striking thing about my childhood is how split it was. All my practical needs were filled by my mom and grandma. Warmth, affection, play, was all from my dad. I didn’t know that was an unusual model. In my parenting, I try to show up for my son, providing but also showing love through time and affection.

Ed: Have you?

Mario: I think so. I’ve definitely provided financially. We are also really close. We’re affectionate and enjoy spending time together. It’s funny, we have a rule of no phones at the dinner table and he’s the one that catches and scolds me more [laughter]. It’s harder because I’ve been living in a different state for the last two years. We Facetime every day, and we visit frequently. There’s one thing that was missing for a while. He was one of the last people I came out to. I only told him a couple of years ago.

Ed: WHAT?!

Mario: I know! Remember this is Mississippi! My dad was the accepting one, and he passed away when I was 13. I probably would’ve been out sooner if he had lived. Also my city acts like a small town and gossip travels. So I didn’t want my son to have to face crap in school because of his gay dad. Now that he knows, we are even closer. It feels like all the different aspects of my life make sense and are out in the fresh air. No more secrets.

Ed: How does your parenting approach expand on what your parents did for you?

Charles: We focus on joy a lot more. My parents gave me lots of joyful experiences, but their focus was on education and getting a job with benefits. I want those for my daughters, but I also want them to feel passion. One of my girls wants to be an entrepreneur, and doesn’t see college as the path to get there. That’s tough for me. But I also want her to follow her dreams and pursue her passions. I want her to do something that brings her joy. I also think that back in the day, if we were struggling, the message was about being strong, toughing it out. We ask different questions. How are you? What do you need? What support can we give you?

Ed: Black folks have had to prove resiliency and strength throughout their history in the Americas. It’s an achievement to focus on joy and wellness.

Charles: It really is. It builds on the foundation that my parents set for me.

Ed: Mario, how does your parenting expand on how you were raised?

Mario: I’m interested in helping my son explore openness and full emotion. This is a big shift for men, especially black men. You know Black people often hide their pain.

Ed: Your mom’s armor doesn’t serve you anymore.

Mario: No, we still need armor! But not at the expense of joy, emotions, and authenticity. Within our safe bubble, I want us to be able to express feelings, fears, dreams, all things.

Ed: In addition to being amazing dads, you both work in child welfare systems. You see struggling families, especially Black families, at their lowest points. What have you learned from these families that inspires your parenting?

Mario: What I found disturbing was that as a social worker, I was not giving fathers and mothers the same grace that I gave myself to learn and grow. I think that’s important to say because you go out there with this mindset like my job is to protect kids, but it’s also important to keep families together when you can. And so…

Ed: Whoa, whoa. I need to stop and go back. That was a statement!

Charles: Yeah, Mario dropped some jewels there.

Mario: A lot of people won’t say that. But you walk into work with this elitist sense of yourself thinking I know what’s best for your kids, and I know what’s best for you. And hell you don’t. Meanwhile you’re going through the same things as a parent, but you are giving yourself all the grace in the world. You are villainizing someone in a similar situation because they responded differently. I had to call that out for myself. Not just to be a better social worker but to be a better person. What inspires me is the grit of these families. They do a lot of work to get their kids back and it reminds me to keep doing my own work.

Charles: There’s been a lot of movement in the field on this issue. Sure we want to protect kids. Also, we want to respect how challenging it is for families and help them get connected to resources, supports, and family and community connections. We’ve done a lot to promote paternal connections, not just to the father but to the father’s family. The support goes beyond financial or housing kids directly. It can be calling the child or family, showing up for a parent teacher conference, giving the kid a sense of love and consistency in a very hard time. I’ve been really inspired by this work. But there’s a lot more to do.

Ed: Is there anything else you want to say?

Charles: As Black parents, you always have to be prepared to advocate for your kids. There was a time when the school wanted to put my daughter in special education. Now if that’s what she needed, we were ready to support her. But you aren’t going to do that without having her tested. We had to convince the psychologist to do the test and when the results came back she said, “Well, she’s fine. But I recommend she sit in the front of the class so she can hear and ask more questions.” That was all! So the schools now know that we come as a family to support our daughters’ education. Once I came in with my wife dressed in a suit on my way to work. The administrators kept pushing, “Mr. Bradley, why did you wear a suit for this meeting?” I’m like, “I’m going to work. I didn't dress up for this.”

Mario: They always think I’m a preacher! [All laugh]

Charles: You’re lucky, Mario. People ask me if I’m going to court like I had a traffic ticket!

Mario: No! No! No!

Ed: Mario, anything you want to add to this conversation.

Mario: Give yourself the time to learn and grow. That grace. You don’t have to be the parent that parented you. You can continue the evolution to becoming the best that you can be.

Charles: Thanks for the opportunity to share. It felt good to me and my heart. I’m grateful that you are out here doing this work, bringing parents together and building community. I know it’s going to have a big impact.

About us:

Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.