The Real Work pt 1
the heart of the matter
Over the past year, my approach to positive parent coaching has evolved. I started off focusing on tools. I would teach (and still teach) techniques that support productive behavior without inviting power struggles and dysregulation in my parenting classes. Tools like when/then/walk, special time, and collect, connect, direct are important ninja parenting moves that allow us to maintain calm, hold our authority, and fill emotional buckets on the path to positive behaviors.
I knew from my experience as a child and a parent, that these tools aren’t enough in volatile situations. When I was a kid with big feelings and impulsive behaviors, my mom wasn’t going to gentle-parent me out of my fears. When my kid was in the throes of aggressive anxiety, a when/then/walk was just as likely as any instruction to incite a two hour screaming episode. There comes a point in our parenting journeys when we realize that supporting our kids in a deeper way means that we need to show up in a different way. We need to own our authority, and have clear boundaries. But we can hold these with calm, connection, and compassion. We can learn to be both strong and present. But how?
This is the turning point that I seek with my coaching clients - the realization that transformative parenting requires a shift in the mindsets, approaches, and behaviors of the parents. I summarize these shifts in a single word - healing.
The Boxes and Shelves Theory
We all have cultural wisdom* that supports our parenting. This wisdom shows up in our values - the things that we hold as most important. In my family, this wisdom includes cousins as your first best friends, outdoor play as sacred practice, and homes filled with cats. Most of us also have family wounds. These are the scars that we carry from childhood, the pain that sometimes is passed on through generations like heirlooms. For me, this includes a respect for adult authority that is so absolute, that there is no room to examine whether the child’s behavior is expressing an unmet need. We grow up with both the wisdom and wounds, internalizing both as shapers of our character and personalities.
When we grow into young adulthood, most of us find that despite our wounds, we are able to function in society. You graduate from high school, and maybe college. You start a career. You keep friends, find a community, have romantic and sexual relationships. You are aware that your wounds make some things difficult. Your anxious attachment, quick temper, or flight response take hold of you in challenging moments. But those moments pass and you find yourself okay again. So you take your wounds, put them in pretty boxes, label them, and you stack the boxes nicely on a shelf next to the DVD collection you haven’t touched since 2011.
Fast forward a few or many years and you have a kid. At some point that kid will crawl up that shelf, find those boxes, and smash them open. BAM! Anxious attachment, or whatever your specific wound is, in full affect, seizing your mind and body, and you feel gripped and triggered in a way you haven’t since you were a kid.
This process can be terrifying because you feel out of control again. Of course you do - you ARE out of control. As kids, we can’t control our parents. As adults, we can control ourselves and some of the environment around us. Then we have babies, and again - we can’t control them. Our tendency is to mimic our caregivers; seizing power using the same tools they used with us; restriction, threatening, dominating, and punishment (or perhaps pleading, coaxing, whining, and acquiescing). When your kid acts up in a challenging way, what is your first response?
Our responses begin to shift when we change the framework through which we view our kids’ behaviors:
Our kids’ job is to show us our wounds. Our job is to heal.
Being reintroduced to our trauma sucks. We pushed this hurt away for good reason. Our children give us this amazing, painful, gift; the opportunity to evolve. We can become better parents, better people, live a life where we aren’t just navigating around our wounds, but actually doing the work of healing. We are inspired to do this so we don’t pass the same shit on to our kids. But if we embrace this work, we can lead more fulfilling, joyful, lives with greater connection and meaning. The real promise of this work goes beyond kids who behave better. It's about a life with purpose.
How do you do that work? It’s about engaging in a cycle of recognizing the wound, creating space, engaging in healing practices, forgiving, and behavior change. We’ll explore that in more detail in the next Morning Cup of Calm.
*This assumes that we had a mostly decent childhood with caregivers who tried the best they could. That isn’t the case for everyone.
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we’re obsessed with
Pickleball. Yes, I’m a recent convert to the sports craze that is capturing hearts and annoying neighbors across the nation. I was hesitant. I’m a capital A Athlete! I go to soccer tournaments. I run marathons. Then I tried it and found that the dopamine hit from rapid net volley battles sets my competitive heart afire! It’s also way more social than tennis, easy to learn, but tough to master, and is a sport I can age with. Here’s the thing - when is the last time you took on something new, that brings you joy and excitement, that is not related to your kids. What can that thing be for you?
Big Girl Autumn. I learned this term from my friend Lyn-Tise and I’m here for it. She said, “Let those skinny girls have their hot girl summer with their crop tops and little shorts. I’m all about Big Girl Autumn. I’m gonna sport all my sweaters, my coats, my boots, and look like an actual grown woman with curves, class, and style!” Whatever size you are, claim your Big Fall Energy and strut your stuff.
where we’ve been
Give a listen to my interview on The New Masculine Podcast (episode 68) where I discuss parental healing, adoption, our unplanned gay pregnancy, and my kindergarten Wonder Woman crisis. Find that last story at 7:10.
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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