Go with the Flow
the heart of the matter
The world feels exceptionally scary and sad right now. I feel both frustrated and powerless. As I move through my daily routine, it’s like a slog through a marsh. What is this feeling that isn’t quite depression or anxiety? It feels like staying aware means donning a cloak of heaviness.
This feeling isn’t new. Humans have always struggled with the idea that knowledge brings suffering. This is the central tension of the apple in Eden, of The Buddha’s realization that desire is suffering, of the Allegory of the Cave. Ok, great. But I have bills to pay and kids to raise. How do I find strength and meaning in my little sliver of the world?
I won’t try to answer this question. I don’t have better material than The Bible or Plato. But for me, in order to continue the slog, I need a regular practice of joy. My joy is usually found in movement. When I’m pacing a soccer field, on a long run with a great audiobook (Dads - check out this one!), or living and dying by each pickleball point, I detach from everything and find myself fully present and focused. This state of being is called the Flow State and it’s critical to your mental health. Today, we are going to introduce the concept of flow. Shoutout to my friend Patrick Reynolds who wrote the majority of this lesson for Kenzai, a wellness program he founded.
In childhood (if it was safe and healthy), we spent a large portion of our waking hours at play. Perhaps we found one or two things that consumed us. Flow state, also known as being in the zone, is the mental state in which a person performing some activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by the complete absorption in what one does, and a resulting transformation in one's sense of time.
As we grow into adulthood, it’s easy to start discarding the hobbies and interests that used to fill our time. Who has time for a hobby when there are serious, important things to do each day? You need to make money. You are raising kids. The world is on fire.
Going through life in this manner is a recipe for misery. And a miserable human also tends to be a sick human. Stress, depression, and joylessness aren’t just feelings, they’re physical phenomena, creating a cascade of negative effects that ricochet around your body.
To give you a sense of the stakes here, consider this statement from the National Institute of Health. “Emotional stress is a major contributing factor to the six leading causes of death in the United States: cancer, coronary heart disease, accidental injuries, respiratory disorders, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.”
If you want to improve your muscle tone, you do things like squats and push-ups. If you want to reduce your waistline, you eat lots of vegetables and avoid junk food. But what’s the action to reduce emotional stress?
It turns out that engaging in meaningful, rewarding activities is one of the most effective ways to switch off the stress response and put your body into a restorative, healing pattern.
Think about how you feel after enjoying time doing one of your favorite activities (like playing an instrument, creating art, spending quality time with friends, or learning something new and interesting). You feel a warm glow. You feel light and upbeat. You can appreciate the beauty of life, and are less prone to ruminating on the negative. All of these positive feelings reflect the very real changes happening in your body, as hormones and neurotransmitters send the “all clear” to your stress response, and get to work repairing the damage of a stressful life.
A hobby isn’t just something “nice” to do. It’s a cornerstone of feeling healthy and happy. Telling yourself “I don’t have enough time for a hobby” is exactly the same as saying “I don’t have time to exercise” or “I don’t have time to eat nutritious food.” You can try to live like that, but it’s going to catch up with you at some point, in the form of sickness and/or mental problems. A hobby isn’t a “nice-to-have”, it’s a must-have.
So consider the challenge of spending just 10-15 minutes a day on a pursuit that has nothing to do with work or family, and is simply about you growing as a person and enjoying the process of doing something just for that thing’s sake. If you haven’t been doing this kind of self-care, it may feel strange or even selfish. Bit-by-bit you’ll see the logic and necessity of having an activity you return to throughout the week that helps your mind relax and release. It’s good medicine.
And remember, incorporating techniques from parenting classes focused on positive parenting can also contribute to your overall well-being and personal growth journey.
What is an activity that brings you into Flow State? When is the next time you will engage in it?
we’re obsessed with
Mike Birbiglia’s The New One is a take on fatherhood that is both poignant and hilarious. Listen to the audiobook because the author reads with perfect comedic timing. He also intersperses his wife’s poetry, in her own voice, throughout the book. This would be a great holiday gift for any dad. There’s also a Netflix special, but listen to the book!
where we’ve been
Get Off That Phone
We facilitated the Get Off That Phone workshop in collaboration with Soul Shoppe for parents and educators.
Free First Friday
Thank you for joining us last Friday, November 3 for "All the Sibling Drama!".
Book a workshop for your school or organization.
Bring The Village Well to your school or organization. We provide powerful, interactive and fun workshops for parents and/or staff. Learn more.
Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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