Morning Cup of Calm: Let’s Talk About Consequences
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the heart of the matter
In the Positive Parenting world, I find myself talking with other experts who preach against using consequences. Positive parenting practitioners modify behaviors through affirmative methods: connection, coaching, correction, skill building, and boundary setting. They stress that authoritarian methods such as yelling, shaming, spanking, and consequences send the message that exertion of power is the primary vehicle to get your way. Punishment and consequences don’t build skills or support growth and if you send your kid into fight/flight response, they lose access to the parts of their brain where logic, learning, and memory are formed.
That all makes sense to me. However, I believe that one can use consequences as a tool in effective positive parenting. This can be especially important for POC parents. More on that later. First - let’s understand the “no consequences” stance.
Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of "Positive Discipline," emphasizes the importance of moving away from punitive measures towards mutual respect and understanding. Punishment focuses on what children have done wrong, while positive parenting focuses on what they can do better. Punishment and consequences may seem like quick fixes, but they don’t address the underlying issues behind a child's behavior. Instead of teaching life skills, they can breed resentment and erode self-esteem.
I highly recommend the work of Dr. Ross Greene, author of "The Explosive Child." He advocates working to identify the root cause of the behavior and brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions. This sounds hella hard, and it is. Dr. Greene lays it out in a step by step framework that works with kids with big emotions and challenging behaviors - if you’d like my support using this framework - reach out!
In my own journey to become a positive parenting practitioner and then educator, I’ve found a more nuanced approach to consequences. Three years ago, I was caught in constant power struggles with my older kiddo. I found a coach who was totally anti-consequence. She tried to strip away the tools I had before she gave me anything else that worked. I felt ineffective and ashamed. She didn’t last long as my coach. But she gave me a great gift - the understanding of a core principle in my own coaching approach:
“Empathize with parents and then add to their toolkit”
Kidraisers who reach out to me are trying everything they can and it’s not working. My job is to validate the struggle and then provide more resources. Consequences are not very effective tools in parenting. Yet for many parents, this is all they know in stressful moments. Ripping this tool away causes unnecessary frustration and arrests the journey toward a family life with more calm and joy. My goal is to provide better methods so that over time, my clients rely less and less on consequences.
Asking parents to quit consequences cold turkey misunderstands the healing journey. One reason that parents resort to consequences is that it’s wired into their fight-flight response from childhood. This leads to my second principle:
“Parenting is a healing journey that takes effort and time”
When I twisted my ankle, I treated it with tenderness, then did rehab to train it to do the things I needed it to do. Parenting is the same. Our desire to punish comes from the way we were raised and is connected to childhood wounds. Did your dad silence and shame you when you talked back? Then you probably have a strong desire to do the same when your kid does that. We get triggered by the behaviors that were shut down for us. I can’t snap a finger and say “do it different!” We need to get in there and understand that wound and give it the healing it deserves.
The desire to fight, flee, or freeze in parenting is about power. We feel a reactionary need to assert our power, or we feel that our power has been stolen and we want out NOW! Getting out of these power struggle cycles is an onerous process for myself and almost all of my POC clients. We struggle to separate the wisdom our parents passed on to us, from the wounds that they inflicted. Hence my third principle:
Positive Parents hold calm power
The hilarious instagram memes about gentle parenting mock parents who give up power to their children. I believe that we really step into our power when we can hold it without being activated. Did you have that elementary school teacher who could silence the class with a look? That’s what we are going for here. And as we grow toward that place, consequences can help us, because they can replace our desire to react.
By setting a clear consequence for a situation, the kidraiser no longer needs to struggle for power. Is your middle school kid refusing to take a bath? Fine, tell her that when she bathes, then she can join the family in the living room for tv. If she doesn't bathe she can’t join because ewwww. After you make yourself clear, you disengage and let your kid make the decision. There’s no need for you to get upset or say anything more in the conversation. The consequence replaces your need to struggle for power. You are holding calm power.
To be clear - we should be judicious with consequences; there are much better ways to help your children behave in productive ways. I believe there is a place for consequences in our large child-raising toolkit, and we need not shame parents for reaching for that tool.
In the next Morning Cup of Calm, I’ll share how my no mom family deals with Mother’s Day. In early June I’ll return to consequences, examining natural and logical consequences and how to employ them.
Be well!
where we’ve been
We showcased our most popular workshop to Tandem Partners - How to Stay Calm When Your Kids are Not.
We facilitated our last professional development workshop for Kids’ Country. The series included six workshops that equipped Kids’ Country’s staff and their network of parents with tools that foster intergenerational healing. Thank you, Ann Tancioco, JP Neang, and Chris Karney for all the work you do to help empower your kids and families.
Dr. Treajané Brown and Shalane Li trained youth development professionals in San Francisco to facilitate Healing Circles for kids, families and colleagues. We are excited to bring this healing service to more people in SF. Thanks to the Department of Children Youth and Families for this opportunity!
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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